Misogynistic sadists nationwide: your day at the multiplex has come!

In the last 24 hours, I’ve had the good fortune to watch two films that feature scenes of generically pretty young actresses getting gruesomely tortured with the camera lingering longer than seems appropriate. These films are of course, Roland Joffe’s “Captivity” starring Elisha Cuthbert, and Chris Sivertson’s “I Know Who Killed Me,” starring the lovely, cleancut Miss Lindsay Lohan. I felt the need to give my brief take on the two films since, judging by the box office, nearly all of you (surely regrettably) missed both of them.



“Killed” stars Lohan as Aubrey, a high school girl abducted by a serial killer, who manages to escaple, albeit missing some of her significant digits/limbs. However, when discovered, she claims to be Dakota—a tough-living stripper—not Aubrey, and promptly confuses the shit out of everyone. “Captivity” stars Cuthbert as fashion model Jennifer Tree (yes, Jennifer Tree), as she gets kidnapped, tortured and has psychological games played with her.



Except for a delightfully nauseating sequence in which Jennifer is forced to drink a pureed cocktail of various severed organs, including an eyeball and a heart, “Captivity” is tedious bore that's torturous (no pun intended) to sit through. Even with a theater filled with folks going "dayum!" at anything violent, my interest consistently dwindled. It rips off so many elements from “Saw” and “Silence of the Lambs,” and features such lazy, uninspired acting, that I had to fight sleep throughout it.



As for “I Know Who Killed Me,” I’m on the verge of calling it a must-see. It’s so insanely over-the-top and hilariously arty (there’s lots of randomly-inserted shots of owls), and features increasingly ludicrous plot twists, scenes of Miss Lohan having skin stripped off her hand and a serial killer who looks like a member of Blue Man Group. Sure, it’s a horrible movie, but it’s the rare one that actually wallows in so much ridiculous excess, that it’s truly fun to watch. I haven’t had such a blast with such inspired unintentional badness since “Catwoman” was thrust upon the American public just over three years ago.