Thursday, March 01, 2007

"Wild Hogs" -- *

Hey there! You like John Travolta, right? Hm, you don't? How bout Tim Allen... not him either? Maybe Martin Lawrence... what's that? You think he's terrible too? Well what about all three of them in the same movie? I thought so! I smell a blockbuster...
This apparently was the thought process behind the horrific "Wild Hogs," which follows the "Benchwarmers" principle of combining three horrible movie stars for maximum possible box office. Tossed into the mix is the only non-star William H. Macy, the only one with any talent remaining and shockingly, the only one of the four who hasn't completely let himself go (as showcased in a skinny-dipping scene midway through).

For those who don't know the intricate details of the plot, let me sum it up: four middle-aged guys go on a motorcycle road trip to feel young again. Along the way, they fight with the Hell's-Angel's-inspired Del Fuegos (led by a really embarrassed looking Ray Liotta), get harassed by a creepy gay cop (ewwww..... gays? Gross!), and get pummelled by a bull. Essentially, it's "City Slickers" for retards.

What's astonishing is, it takes less than a minute for the movie to establish itself as a piece of shit. Yep, it's good old-fashioned lowest-common-denominator humor, which was completely ate up by the audience around me, buit was nearly torturous for yours truly. While the average lame comedy usually just leaves me stone-faced, I grimaced my way through most of 'Wild Hogs.'
Literally every joke is recycled, and the poorly-paced movie just lumbers along from one humorless set-piece to another before finally deciding in its third act that it wants to have a plot: the four guys get in a big fight witht he Del Fuegos, and guess who wins?

However, despite being wall-to-wall generic, "Wild Hogs" does distinguish itself as the most homophobic movie in a very, very long time. Nearly half of the movie's humor is attributed to: (a) Macy's sensitive nature making him seem gay, (b) previously mentioned gay cop (John C. McGinley) lustfully coming on to our leads (they wish!), and (c) one of the Del Fuegos accidentally saying "gay" things, which fellow gang member Liotta deems worthy of beatings. I swear, this thing is practically tailor-made for middle America.
Travolta, Lawrence and Allen are slumming here (yes, it's worse than the movies they usually make!), but Macy especially should be ashamed of himself. I can only hope he got a big nut of a paycheck which will ensure he won't have to do garbage like this for a little while.

Given how much "Wild Hogs" completely panders to the middle-aged, middle staters and middlebrow, and how horrible and borderline-evil it is, I can only imagine it's going to be a massive box office hit. Please, pleeease, PLEEEASE give your money to "Zodiac" or "Black Snake Moan" this weekend and do your part to work against the enabling of "Wild Hogs 2."


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